i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
