the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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