My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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