cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
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