If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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