Your face is a jimmy john
Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
