my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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