we have officially mastered the walk of shame
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I don't deserve a penis
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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