Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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