whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
