so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
