Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Randomize
