I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
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Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
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BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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