Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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