True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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