And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
