Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
