you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
