im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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