mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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