I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
