you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Randomize
