I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
