At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
