I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
