Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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