Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
