hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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