My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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