Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
