i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
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