if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
