Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
