You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
