Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
