I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
