6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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