Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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