Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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