it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
