Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
