u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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