sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Randomize
