Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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