Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
