I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
