we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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