Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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