A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
