She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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