Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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