Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
