I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Randomize
