There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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